


Can you hear the bodies rotting in the ground?

by Stolperzunge



Category: The Pacific (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, During Canon, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Military Homophobia, Mutual Pining, Rough Sex (for like 2 seconds)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:13:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stolperzunge/pseuds/Stolperzunge
Summary: Eugene looked down on his hand. He didn't know what to do, even though he knew what he wanted to do. Touch Shelton, be close to him, ripping his shirt open to press his palms against his chest, feeling his heartbeat, knowing that he was still alive, despite their eyes being dark and hollow.___The events on Okinawa push Eugene to approach Merriell, trying to be close to him, only to get disappointed. They’re starting to drift apart after that, losing their hope and slowly themselves, until the misery around them drives them back together.
Relationships: Merriell "Snafu" Shelton/Eugene Sledge
Comments: 15
Kudos: 22
Collections: Sledgefu Week 2020





	Can you hear the bodies rotting in the ground?

**Author's Note:**

> Sledgefu Week Day 2: Touch
> 
> Phew! This story gets a little rough here and there and the depiction of Okinawa during the war will always be a little _unpleasant_. Hence the rating, but nothing too crazy happens.  
> One little footnote, maybe: the sex they have (it's a very short scene) is not that satisfying for Eugene, but they stop as soon as he voices his displeasure!
> 
> Of course this is based on the TV show and not on the real people. English isn’t my first language.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was the evening after Bill got hit for the second time. Eugene felt dirty because of that.

One of their friends got hit and all he could think about was to drag Shelton with him through the muddy landscape, past the holes that smelled like pure shit even though the whole island stank miserably and they took their business almost everywhere.

There wasn’t a good place for this, neither a good time. It was war. He shouldn't even think about this kind of stuff and if he did, it should be with one of those slim blondes they saw in the movies back on Pavuvu or with one of the girls back home, he'd return, or never return to. Surely, he should never ever even consider touching a fellow Marine in the kind of way, he thought about.

And still, he had dragged Shelton to his feet, had mumbled a quick apology to Hamm and Peck and had left their foxhole. It was past dusk and even leaving their holes to take a piss elsewhere could get them in trouble, but they didn't question them too much. They all saw how Leyden got hit, how intense Eugene's reaction was. They assumed he needed some time to recover from that.

But it was also the evening after Shelton showed him compassion, so much of it that it was almost not bearable for Eugene. He tried to comfort him, after his dog died. His fucking dog. An animal which got quite old. He shouldn’t even get sad because of that.

It was stupid, but somehow Deacon was the only being, Eugene thought he could return to. He'd probably sense that his master had changed, but he'd still be his master and he'd still love him.

He couldn't ask the same from his parents, or his brother, or even Sid, not after what he had done. Killing people, growing hateful, witnessing war crimes, some of them committed by the man who was walking behind him, head held low, not saying a word.

The man who’s touch he wanted to feel again after he had pressed his shoulder against his. Eugene wanted to feel him in that exact moment. Either embrace him, put his head on his shoulder or feel Snafu's head on his own. Anything, just more contact, more body heat, more tenderness at this godforsaken place while they were slowly rotting from the inside out.

They jumped into a rather clean hole, even though this word didn’t exist for them anymore. They couldn’t assume that they were “safe” here, they couldn’t possibly think that no one would look for them, that no one would find them and still, as soon as Shelton landed on his feet next to Eugene, he pressed a hand to the other man’s sternum and backed him against the muddy wall of the hole.

Shelton's eyes darted to Eugene's hand. “What ya doin' Sledgehamma? You wanna fight me like Kathy did with Leyden?”

A nasty smile played around his lips. He was trying to be funny or whatever that comment was supposed to be. He wouldn’t allow himself to feel sad because of Leyden or shocked that such thing could happen to them any time of the day. In Leyden's case even for the second time. He wouldn’t allow himself to think about the sheer fear he felt when Eugene had tried to crawl towards Bill after Hamm had already wrestled him down. How Eugene had been blind towards anything else, how he'd been ready to take any risk to help his friend. If Eugene was able to get this reckless, Snafu had to protect him even harder, making sure he wouldn't do the same for… him.

He remembered how he had wrapped an arm around Eugene, had pulled him aside together with Hamm, how both of them had held him down, panting.

They got close today. Way too close. He shouldn't have approached him, when he saw that he was sad, because of his dog. But what was he supposed to do? That kid had touched a spot inside him, he didn’t even knew he still possessed and he couldn’t do anything about it. He had felt this kind of way for Eugene as soon as he had peeked out under his helmet, looking so innocent and young, telling him why the hell the code word was Lilliputian, smiling that damn smile. He hadn't seen Eugene smile for a long time. And now his dog had died, and his friend got hit and they still were stuck on this shit hole island.

Eugene looked down on his hand himself. He didn't know what to do, even though he knew what he wanted to do. Touch Shelton, be close to him, ripping his shirt open to press his palms against his chest, feeling his heartbeat, knowing that he was still alive, despite their eyes being dark and hollow.

Maybe he wanted even more than this… maybe if this wasn't Okinawa and they weren't Sledgehammer and Snafu, but Eugene and Merriell - he never got to call him that - they'd lie down in a bed together, Eugene would bed his head on a clean pillow, reaching up to cup Merriell's face, like he saw it in a movie once but never got to experience it.

Still, no other names, or different place, or clean sheets could hide the fact that all of those thoughts were sinful. But did sins even matter on this island, in this war? Didn't they pretend to not see things all the time? All these corpses and tears and atrocities? Didn't it feel at times as if God had left this earth completely? Did it really matter if one man lay with another at times like these? Did it ever matter?

“I don't want to fight you…” Eugene said in a low voice.

Shelton noticed Eugene's eyes, they were hazel in the low light of the last few sunbeams and gloomy. He noticed how they darted back and forth between his own hand and… his lips. The hell was he thinking about? Why did he even take him here? Shelton felt goosebumps creeping up his spine, reaching the hair on his nape.

It wasn't the first time the two of them had shared those kind of looks.

Shelton would lie if he claimed, that he didn't initiated them with other guys too, from time to time. He liked it when they begged down under his gaze, if they got a little disgusted with him even… But Eugene never had looked down, his eyes were on him as intensely as Snafu's were on Eugene’s. And it made him dizzy, to think that he could want the same in this moment…

If Eugene had been one of those boys from New Orleans Snafu would have grabbed and kissed him. Hard. Digging his fingers into his upper arms, his nape eventually. He'd bite down on his lips until he'd wince. He would press his back against a wall, hooking his leg around his own hip, grinding against him, like he had done so often in dark alleyways, getting a thrill out of it. Even better if it was a pretty, little rich boy. Who'd be embarrassed about the marks he'd left on him the next day.

But Eugene wasn't one of those boys. He was no longer a boy. He had been one in their tent on Pavuvu and he had still been one when he took off his damn shoes in the middle of combat, but now he was a battle-tried Marine who saw quite too much considering his age and his social status. He should be at home, or college or at least he should be a sergeant, rank bought or earned in a tent, away from the battlefield. He didn't belong in the pacific and he didn't belong with him. He would regret spending his time with Snafu in that way. He'd feel regret over it for the rest of his life. Shelton didn't want this to be the only memory Eugene would keep of him.

And still when the younger Marine leaned in close, sighing a breath which stroke hot over his own face, he knew he couldn't contain himself, if Eugene couldn't either. If he'd act on it, Shelton would do the same. They'd get it out of their system. It was fucking war, they didn't get to touch or look at anything nice. If no girls were around men got creative, right?! They'd fuck and Eugene could file it down under desperation, without feeling bad for being with another man.

Eugene let go of Snafu's chest and raised his hand towards his face, it was shaking but he could ignore that in the poor light. He'd cup his cheek, he'd do it and then he would… Would do what? The girl in the movie was right. Where do the noses go? It seemed so easy on the big screen but those scenes were coordinated. How did one know in real life in which direction the other person would tilt their head at? What if one of the two didn’t close their mouths in the right moment? What about kisses with open mouths? Eugene couldn't really imagine how that could feel like. Wet, probably.

He stole a few quick pecks from a couple of girls back in Mobile after dance lessons, or during their school ball but that wasn't anything worth mentioning. He was as green behind his ears as he was when he had been shipped out. On the one hand he was embarrassed about it, but on the other he strangely liked the thought that his first experience could be with Shelton… Not with some girl from home or a random girl in Australia he didn’t have any feelings for, but with the man he could trust his life with.

He didn’t get the chance to worry any longer about any of this, because Shelton grabbed his wrist before he could even touch him, let alone decide in which direction he should lean.

“What are you doing?” This time he didn't smile, sneering or not. He even frowned a little.

His touch felt distant, he was holding him back, he didn't embrace him. Eugene's eyes widened, his lungs suddenly clenched together, suffocating him, causing him to exhale a shaky breath. His actions began to dawn on him. He was about to kiss another man. His comrade.

He could get court-martialed for this if Snafu reported him. Somehow that thought didn't even occur to him. Because the other man had been dropping those strange things ever since they have met, like stating that he liked to watched the new guys sweat, looking at him at times that made Eugene feel like he was being stripped naked. Because he had searched his touch today…

“I-”, but Snafu didn't even let him finish that sentence.

“If you want it, it has to be quick!”, he hissed as he kept holding Eugene's wrist, his gaze piercing.

Eugene gulped, well this wasn't how he'd expected it. He thought it would come naturally what they were about… to do. But Shelton was right, they didn't have the time and so he simply nodded.

*

Snafu fucked him. Quick and rough and quietly.

He had pressed Eugene against the muddy wall of the foxhole, facing it, as he already tucked down his trousers, bending him over slightly.

But he didn’t touch him. Sure he was in him. But he didn't search his contact for anything else. His fists were clenched in Eugene's uniform jacket, to hold him and pull him against him. From time to time he felt his ass pressing against Snafu's lower stomach. But other than that, nothing.

Snafu's pace increased and with it did the fear inside Eugene. He feared that he had ruined it. That Snafu would fuck him, come inside him, or not, and then what? Their relationship would be ruined after this. They couldn’t just go back to being comrades. Friends. Eugene felt tears prickle behind his eyes.

He tried to stay completely silent. The only noise was the occasional sound of skin hitting skin and Snafu's muffled breath. The sensation of feeling far too much, he never felt before and feeling nothing at all, was simply too much. With Snafu only panting behind him, offering him none of that tenderness from hours before, it dawned on Eugene, that this wasn’t how he had wanted it. Not like that, not when he had thought about lying in bed together with Shelton, looking him in the eyes.

He squeezed his eyes shut, tried to hold it in, get it over with, but he lost his balance with one sharp jerk of Snafu's hips and a small sob escaped him before he could clap his mud-dirty hand over his mouth.

Shelton stopped moving immediately. Somehow that feeling was even worse.

“Sledge?”, he asked.

Eugene stood hunched over, hand still over his mouth, or he was sure he'd let out another sob. He knew the only thing Shelton could see was his back, but his damn ass was still exposed to him and he was still fucking inside him.

“Get off me”, he huffed and hoped to God that Shelton would do it without asking any questions or demanding anything from him.

Snafu pressed his hand over the small of Eugene’s back as he held him to pull out of him. His touch almost burned Eugene and he flinched away as soon as Shelton had left his body. It was all too much. He pulled up his pants as fast as he could and climbed out of the hole, all without looking at the other man.

“Eugene, wait!” Snafu was right behind him, grabbed his arm, but Eugene shook his hand off right away.

“Don't fucking touch me!”, he nearly shouted as he swirled around.

Shelton ducked his head, warily, there were still enemies around. Eugene's face was a grimace of pain and anger. Snafu held his hands up, palms facing Eugene, he wouldn't touch him, he wouldn't hold him back, he wouldn't dare to.

***

The next days were odd, but only for the two of them. The others didn’t seem to notice anything strange. They were all exhausted, their nerves ran thin. Even Burgie wasn’t able to keep their spirits up. They were all afraid they'd die there, especially the replacements. Their war had just begun and they already faced the worst of it. If they would die, their bodies would get buried under the mud and the feces of their fellow Marines, rotting body parts mixing with those of their enemies. No one would ever remember them for anything they did, because they didn't even get the chance to accomplish something.

Snafu didn't know if he should care anymore. If he hadn't felt like a complete fuck up before he sure as hell did now. It was one thing to slowly lose his own humanity through actions he choose to do. Like looting corpses or trying to enjoy killing the people who wanted to kill him. Snafu made those choices and it didn't matter to him. He told himself so everyday. He wasn't concerned about his soul or whatever there was to worry about, but he was worried about Eugene.

He has been since the very beginning. Otherwise he wouldn't have helped him with the food cans, showing him how to set up the drainage for their foxhole, wouldn't have shared his smokes with him, the only thing of worth, other than water maybe, he could possess in this damn war. He hurt Eugene and that did matter to him.

But he didn't seem to matter to Eugene anymore. He ignored him most of the time, when they had nothing better to do than sit around and clean their equipment, awaiting orders. He didn't even argue with him or told him to shut up, to leave the replacements alone. That idiot Kathy and his fucking picture. He just treated him like the piles of rotting flesh around them, like they didn't exist. Maybe sniff his nose from time to time when the stank was too intense, when Snafu came to close. He always kept a distance between them, preferably one of the other company members, so he wouldn’t have to talk to Snafu.

And Snafu thought, that maybe he deserved it, that Eugene finally saw him as the screwed up piece of shit he saw himself as. That now they had found their peace… as foes. Another time, another place they could have found it in something else, they could have found peace within each other. But Snafu was broken, he had been even before the war and he knew he couldn't drag Eugene with him. But he did regret the look of pain he brought to Eugene's face. That he'd never forget.

Everything between them went on silently. That was until one night when Hamm, Snafu actually did remember his stupid name, was trying to talk to Eugene. They were sitting under their tents, him, Kathy, Eugene and Hamm. Of course with a distance between Sledge and himself.

“Man I thought it‘d be different”, Eugene heard Hamm say.

He was in a bad mood. He had been for days. He and Snafu didn't talk. The first few hours after the incident he had been afraid that Mac would come up to them and accuse them of what they did. That he somehow knew, that someone noticed. That he or both of them would get court-martialed and he'd be sent home with two souvenirs: A blue ticket and a nice little injury as a warning, as a reminder. He had been the one receiving it, so he'd be even worse in their eyes, he wouldn't be a man for them anymore, wouldn't be in the eyes of anyone ever again, if he returned home with that kind of discharge.

But no one had noticed and no one noticed him wince when he crouched or sat down the first few days after what happened between him and Shelton. They all were in pain, no one could know why he was exactly.

But Snafu seemed to notice, he was following his every movement with his big intrusive eyes. Eyes Eugene had felt safe under, still did if he was honest with himself. If they had to went into combat in that second, he would still trust Snafu with his life. But he was sure now, that the other man didn't think of him as he did.

Sure he had wanted to fuck him, but only in the most literal way possible. Why hadn't he touched him? Was he disgusted with the act, Eugene, himself? Was it just a quick little something where he pictured himself with someone else? Because Eugene didn't. He wanted it to be with Snafu and the thought of Shelton touching him, laying with him in a bed, in a room with four walls and a locked door, where he would caress his face, his chest, would slide into him gently, was still something that got Eugene flustered.

Not that he thought willingly about those things, it happened during the nights when his mind started wandering of to forbidden places, when the moon softened Shelton's features and he looked young and almost peaceful, as long as he didn't have a bad dream. He still wanted to be with him, feel him, but he got his chance and he got disappointed.

It was pure frustration when he answered Hamm: “Different from what? Books you read? Movies you saw?”

Like he had thought it'd be different. War. Like he thought the men would be noble and graceful, even in death. Like he thought killing would be easy because he did it for the right reasons, but then he discovered that it wasn't and he promised himself that he at least would never get used to it, that he wouldn't become bland with it. But what did he tell Hamm a few days ago? That he would get used to it. Doing the killing, seeing civilians die, that he wouldn't care anymore and that he shouldn't.

Eugene started to lose himself, couldn't rely on his moral standards anymore. Neither war related nor his very personal problems, Hamm would never get to experience. The conflict he felt because of the different feelings he had for the men in his life. The brotherly love he felt for Sid, or Leyden or Burgie and the kind of feelings he had for Shelton. That's different in the movies too. In the movies the soldiers were allowed to moan their fallen brothers, even get revenge for their death. They were allowed a firm handshake, or even a hug. But what he had done with Shelton was different from the books or movies, it was different from what society expected of him, what society would even let him get away with.

“No. I just- I'm just saying”, Hamm bubbled next to him until Eugene cut him off.

He didn't want to hear him talk. Hearing the words of someone who was still rather untouched by the misery around them. He couldn't listen to the kid who looked like he would return to the states, a little cracked, but nothing, time, his family and the right girl couldn't fix. He'd get a job, he'd start a family and he'd probably lit a candle in church for the soldiers he saw fall and the enemies he killed. Maybe he'd think of Eugene. Remember this demolished veteran he served with, back on Okinawa and wish him all the best.

Meanwhile Eugene would get eaten up alive from his memories of all the stuff he had said and done, how he grew used to it. Never being able to live a life as a civilian that would make him happy, because men like him weren't accepted by society. He was worse for them than a Marine who went around mutilating bodies, killing unarmed people, and worse stuff Eugene couldn’t even think about.

He was worthless to them on this island and he would be worthless back in the states, if he ever dared to act on his tendencies. The world wasn't fair, better Hamm learned that quickly.

“Grow up Hamm”, he told him with a sidelong glance.

Hamm looked back at him, his youthful face turned bitter. “Fuck you Sledge.”

Snafu huffed a laugh. He had overheard their conversation and even though Eugene's voice was extremely distant and sour he couldn't stop himself, but laughed.

Hamm reminded him of Eugene to some extent. Soft looking on the outside, but with strong opinions and some kind of ember inside him. Eugene would have said the same to Snafu if he had told him to grow up. Hamm wasn't ready to take any shit, just like Eugene didn't take any.

“Why don't you pull yourself in the hole the next time, okay?” Hamm said to Eugene as he got up from beside him.

Eugene didn’t say anything to that, but stared ahead of him. Trying not think about the day he saw Leyden land on his back, blood on his face, his own alarmed cries cutting through the sound of explosions. Trying to forget how moments before that, Snafu's shoulder had rested against his own, heavily. How he had looked at him. His eyes telling him, that he would have comforted him properly if they had been alone. Trying especially not to think about what had happened that day after dawn how all the feels he had for the other man were crumbled between them, on the ground with their shoved down pants.

Snafu laughed again. “That's the talk!”

And in that moment Eugene wanted to fucking punch his disrespectful smile right out of his face. He didn’t look at him but he knew how Snaf was sneering, eyes half lidded, smoke between his fingers, always so casual. How he’d close his full lips around the filter, sucking, blowing the smoke out slowly, leaning his head back. Allowing the others to take a peek at his neck, his throat, his most vulnerable part, glistening with sweat under the pacific sun.

Eugene didn't see all that, because it was too dark to see anything glistening and because he didn't dare to look at Shelton, or he'd fucking lose it.

“Yeah, fuck you too”, Hamm said as he walked over to Peck.

“Woho!” Shelton huffed, following Hamm with his eyes. “The Hammbone did learn something in boot camp.”

Fucking Hammbone. Eugene shook his head. Now the kid, who's name he didn't want to learn, earned himself a nickname because he was being rude to him? Great. Maybe Shelton would touch him, if Hammbone let him fuck him, maybe he'd bury his hand in those golden locks. Eugene tensed his jaw, trying to contain himself, keeping himself from saying something stupid.

Hamm crouched next to Peck who hadn't said a word this whole time. He had been awfully quiet since Bill got hit. At first it hadn’t bothered any of them that much. He didn't really have anything interesting to say in the first place, but it became unsettling, seeing him almost apathetic. Snafu had offered him a smoke earlier, suggesting to get a new poncho off a dead body, since Peck still wore the holy thing Snafu had given him. Maybe that was the reason this all started, with the replacements growing defensive, because they didn't want to get pushed over by the older veterans. Peck only took it a bit too far with Leyden.

And even though he tried hard to make everyone believe, that he didn’t care, Snafu worried about the well-being of the squad. Perhaps he could ease the mood with a little small talk, as absurd as it was in the middle of war. He took a drag from his cigarette and drawled: “Where are you from Hamm, with two Ms?”

It was Eugene who answered him right away: “So now you want to know where they're from?”

Unbelievable. He didn't talk to him for days and now he tried to befriend the replacements, he swore to hate, that those were the worst ones yet. Only to get to know them after weeks in the field. There seemed to be no rules as long as Snafu got his entertainment out of something or someone. Eugene actually turned his head a little to look at him and found Snafu glaring back, smoke in his hand. Just like he had pictured it.

“Peck”, Hamm touched the other ones shoulder, ignoring Snafu. “Let's get out of here. I can't take these two squabblers any longer…”

Peck stared up at him, his eyes wide in the low light of the night. He let himself get dragged to his feet by Hamm. They stood a little hunched over as they started to walk away from their tent.

“Where are you going?!”, Eugene hissed after them.

They couldn’t just leave, it was against regulations. He didn’t want to lose yet another squad member. And… He didn’t want to be alone with Shelton.

Hamm only turned his head. “Looking for Burgin. You two will drive us insane with your constant bickering!”

“The fuck, you can't leave us here!”

What if they got attacked? They had to operate the mortar together. They had to take turns during their watch. They couldn’t just leave him there, alone with Snafu.

“You'll manage…” Hamm mumbled and dragged Peck with him.

“Private!”, Eugene called after them again, quietly, but the only answer he got was a laugh from Shelton.

He glared at him. “And what are you laughing about? Apparently we're driving them insane.”

Shelton only shrugged, tilting his head back so it would rest against the wall behind him, his helmet sliding down his forehead a stretch.  
“Whatever. We already are insane. Better they catch up with us quickly.”

Eugene stared at him, the personification of indifference. Seemingly.

Because he remembered how Shelton had clutched at his temples, eyes wide in disbelief when they got shelled by their own people. How much that had affected him. He always implied that he didn’t believe that he’d get home. But he had to expect to be killed in combat by enemies, not by their own troops. That had shocked him, how easy it could end, with a mistake.

Or that was what Eugene assumed because the other one never fucking talked to him. It was all sneering or complaining or pressing a fucking shoulder against his own, but never more than that. He wouldn't voice his fears in the darkness of the night, like Jay did. He wouldn't share a memory from his childhood, which was dear to him, like Oswald did. He stared at him, gave him that fucking nickname and Eugene was expected to take that as an act of trust and friendship.

And he did. Eugene responded to the kind of attention Snafu offered him. Thinking that meant, that Shelton liked him. Enough to let him be close to him. But it was his fault, that he took it too far, adding this kind of physical component. It was him who tried to turn this into something Shelton clearly hadn't had in mind.

“Sorry that I'm insane for thinking we should treat each other better”, he grumbled and let himself sink into the mud.

“You got anything to say, Sledge? Speak your fucking mind!”

Snafu missed talking to him, even if it was only their usual banter. How they could playfully tease the other with sarcastic comments. Never really being rude. But this island got the best of everybody and since what had happened in that foxhole, they constantly balanced on this thin line between ignoring each other and a full blown fight. One little thing could push the other over the edge. It didn't happen yet, but he could feel that they got close to that breaking point.

Sledge stayed silent. And once again he thought how he wouldn't be able to contain himself if Eugene started it. If he would start a fight. Maybe he should learn to contain himself. They would still get along, if they had contained themselves that night. He bit down on his lip. Fuck.

“I didn't hurt you that night, did I?”, he whispered into the darkness around them.

He heard the other man shuffling around. It got almost so dark that he couldn’t see him, he was just a darker spot against the mud-walls and the black sky behind them.

The question surprised Eugene. He didn't expect, that Snafu would be honest enough with his feelings to ask something like this. It sparked a kind of hope in Eugene that he did care about him. That it had been a misunderstanding.

“No”, Eugene answered. “I mean it did kinda hurt, but I guess that's normal...”

Unlike himself, Shelton must have had sex before. Eugene just didn’t know if it had been with women or men, or both. This was an exceptional situation, right? He wouldn't even have looked at Eugene in the real world, the way he did now, would he? Perhaps he should have asked those questions before he had dragged Shelton with him in that foxhole, but he thought he would just experience what kind of feelings the other man had had for him. But then he didn't touch him and he was certain that he read the signs wrong. However, now Shelton seemed to care again. He didn't know what to think anymore.

“You've got experience with that, right?”

Snafu narrowed his eyes. He did. Eugene didn’t?

He knew the second he saw him on Pavuvu, that he and Eugene were the same. Not that it was “obvious” or anything. He just knew. The way he stuck to his side in the beginning and how he had allowed Snafu to stay close to him after that. He always assumed that Eugene knew what he was. Now he wasn't sure if the other man had come to a conclusion over his sexuality.

And it made him feel extremely uneasy. Made him sweat. What if this had been his first time…? What if he had hoped for something more than a quick fuck? Like Snafu thought he was after?

Fuck. Was that the reason he had sounded so shaken when he told him to get off of him? He had looked so hurt, when Snafu had tried to hold him back?

“Goddammit, Sledge…” he pressed out through gritted teeth, overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and regret. “You think I'm a fucking virgin? Not every one of us hands his fucking body over to God or whoever you promised to keep your precious cherry from unplucked.”

Eugene swallowed hard. Snafu was back, the mean veteran you better didn't argue with or he'd pick you into pieces in the matter of seconds and Eugene already felt like he got shredded.

Him being so goddamn inexperienced in almost every part of life was probably just embarrassing to Snafu and he'd just laugh at him if he confirmed his assumption. That he did promise to wait until marriage. Now he was pretty sure, that he'd never get married. He just had wanted Shelton, however he could see the mistake he made.

“I'm sorry”, his voice was monotone, he did what Snafu was doing all the time, masking his emotions with indifference. “Won't happen again. The sex I mean.”

He spat that one word right in front of Snafu's feet. Somehow it felt good to say it. It gave him some kind of power to use it against Snafu. He had turned it into a meaningless fuck and they'd leave it like this, but it also made Eugene feel sick. He wouldn't get that experience back. It was lost. He could only hope that someday there would be someone who was willing to touch him, who'd treat him differently.

Snafu on the other side grew incredibly frustrated with himself as if he was able to sense what Eugene was thinking. That he ruined it and that he took something from Eugene which didn't matter to him in the slightest, but did matter to Eugene considering his faith and all of that. It must have been an incredible conquest to even approach him in that way.

But instead of voicing the regret he felt over the situation and the will to make up for it, he snapped. Because he never had someone who stopped him from fucking him because he wanted to have something deeper with him. Something more meaningful.

Sometimes people even told him to not speak to them, not look at them because they didn't want him, they just wanted to use him. And now there was this boy, who pushed Japanese soldiers who surrendered into the mud, should they dare to step in his way, who cursed and killed, but still hold something to him, a little fragile piece of innocence, Snafu lost such a long time ago, he could only recognize it in Sledge anymore.

This boy wanted him. And he ruined it. Got his hands on him, made him dirty, all because he didn't realizing the other man was expecting something else from him, something far more tender. To imagine something tender as a kiss on Okinawa, nearly made Snafu bark out a sorry laugh. He was utterly disturbed by the thought that someone would want to search comfort in him.

And because of all of that and because it was true, all of them were a little insane, he said: “Damn right, Sledge. It won't happen again. We're out here killing people! What a bunch of bullshit! If you're too much of a pansy to take it from behind without crying afterwards you shouldn't have begged for it!”

He saw Eugene's outline nod. Not a single word followed after that. Just silence with the occasional sound of falling bombs somewhere in the distance.

***

Hamm and Peck returned to them the next morning. They both looked a little more rested. Burgie accompanied them.

He glanced at Snafu and Eugene. He was maybe the only one who noticed that something had changed between them. They were inseparable before, arguing from time to time, but other than that they were a good team. Perhaps even friends, Burgie wasn't sure if Snafu saw any of them as his friends.

Now Sledge scribbled in his bible, some faint streaks of clean skin on his face. The shape could only mean tears. There was a lot to cry about out here. The horrors they saw, missing ones home and family. Burgie himself choked on his tears some nights when he thought about Florence, about the potential that he'd never see her again, but also about actually seeing her again. Marrying her, eventually. He imagined her with a round belly, two of their kids on each side of his hands. Walking around their land, having a picnic under the sun… He had to wipe at the corner of his eye even now, as he thought about it.

He didn't know what Eugene had cried about, but he didn't like seeing a member of their company like this, one of his friends. He had been gloomy for days, everyone of them got into this mood at times. But Burgie thought that Sledge was maybe more prone to this kind of feeling, because of his introverted thoughtfulness. Not to dwell on it had been a good and honest advice, but it was more difficult for some of them as it was for others.

Sledge obviously dwelt on all of it and tried to mask it with some snide remarks towards Hamm. Maybe he had learned a bit too much from Snafu. Burgie knew how in their moods Snafu and Eugene could get and so he had allowed for Hamm and Peck to sleep under his tent, that night.

Still, they had so solve this issue, but before he could even attempt some kind of conciliation-talk, Eugene got called to duty by Mac. He took Hamm with him and they disappeared up on one of the muddy hills.

Burgie sat down with Snafu.

“How are you doing?”, he asked.

Snafu only grunted, eyes on Peck, possibly thinking about how he could rile the other one up again.

“Hey”, Burgie nudged his arm. “I know we're all not doing so well and I hope we get off this damn island too, but you and Sledge have to hold it together.”

Snafu glared at him, Peck forgotten for the moment, but still he didn't look like he really cared. He didn't understand. Burgin didn't ask him to act nice, he ordered him to solve the issue with Eugene or at least act like adults and stop taking their frustration out on the boots.

“I won't tolerate the two of them leaving their foxhole at night again. You get that shit sorted between you and Sledge. Understand me?”

Shelton snorted. “Nothing wrong between me and 'hamma.”

“Whatever”, Burgie mumbled and got up, remembering Sledges tear stained face. “Just don't be so rough with each other. I thought you two were… friends.”

He looked down at Snafu and maybe that was the first time in all the years he had known that strange and distant man, that he didn’t look back at him. No sneering smile, no piercing eyes. Shelton kept his head down and Burgie's stomach sank.

He pressed his knuckles against Snafu's curly head in a quick gesture of compassion. “If there's anything-”

Suddenly Snafu was on his feet, his face millimeters away from Burgin's. “Not everything is part of your fucking business, corporal!”

Burgie stared back at him, standing his ground, even though he was not going to fight him. Starting something with Snafu when he was like this, all defensive and ready to attack if one would drop the wrong word, wasn’t worth it. Not in the middle of Okinawa. Back in one of their camps, Burgin would have told him what a corporals business was, but not now, with Peck in ear shot, who was near a breaking point.

Burgie raised his chin and shook his head slightly, before he turned around to go back to his own tent. Leaving Shelton behind.

That was when Hamm and Sledge returned from their duty. They made a miserable picture. Eugene looked like he had fallen face down into some dirt, he was fuming. Hamm looked pale, eyes rimmed red.

The fuck had happened now? He needed a good damn break.

“Sledge-”, he started, but the other just put his hand up.

“Not now. Please!” he threw his rifle into the mud, fumbling with his sidearm he got from his parents back home.

Burgie was sick of being told to stop talking, he was their goddamn superior. He was supposed to take care of them, but he couldn’t do so, if they wouldn’t talk to him. He looked at Hamm. The younger man shrugged.

“He got into an argument with lieutenant Mac, for shooting at some Japane-”

“Shut your mouth, Hamm!” Eugene barked from where he was standing. He was still mad, aggressive even, unlike Burgie knew him.

“You shot at them on top of that hill?”, Burgin asked even though he shouldn't, he should just leave them. Leave Sledge and Snafu alone. Let them be miserable together, bumping each others heads in. “You could have gotten hit yourself. What if they would have had a sniper somewhere up there?”

Eugene snorted, not unlike Shelton did so often. “As if that would fucking matter…”, he muttered.

“What was that?!” Burgie was by his side within seconds, grabbing his arm. Sledge stared back at him, brows furrowed. “You have a fucking deathwish, Sledge? You don't risk the safety of the whole company for that!”

He searched the other man's eyes. The rings under them as dark as the filth in his hair. Eugene looked as drained as his clothes and he smelled terrible.  
“Jesus, Sledge”, Burgin huffed, but his eyes were compassionate. “Try to get cleaned and then rest… Nothing more of that sidearm bullshit or I'll take it from you.”

With that he left, for good this time. Hoping they'd all be too tired to argue any more. But Burgie underestimated their temper and he couldn't possibly know about the weather that was about to come.

***

It started to rain. At first that meant that they could get rid of some of the dirt that clung onto them, trying to fill their flasks. But after a whole week of nothing but rain they got sick of it. In fact, they got sick of it after the third night, but they didn't start to flip before the seventh.

First one to lose his cool was Mac. He walked around, giving completely unnecessary orders. Suddenly they had to pick up what was still left of the corpses around them and put the pieces on piles. The flesh on some of the bones run through their fingers as soon as they tried to pick them up. Snafu was the first one to fall over and start vomiting, always weak on his stomach. Hamm followed shortly after.

Eugene kept pulling up arms and legs and heads. Like Mac told him, like he made sure he would. He got a special treatment from their lieutenant, after their blow out. Like cleaning foxholes on his own, filled with the remains of the corpses of his fellow Marines. Scooping the infested water out of them and renewing the drainage. For the reinforcements Mac kept saying as if they would ever come…

The second person who began to act up was Shelton. Or was it Eugene? It was hard to tell when all they did was screaming at each other.

It started with one of Snafu’s comments. Eugene didn’t even know why he still kept talking. Neither him nor the boots would answer him, far to fed up with the situation themselves. They didn’t need a voice who told them what they already knew. So Eugene actually made the effort to stop the other one from talking:

“Give it a rest”, he grumbled, as he stood outside their tent, trying to keep the rain away from them, deepening the little rampant they had dug. But it was no use. The rain poured down so heavily that it broke down the mud, overflowing the rampant immediately.

“Fuck you, Eugene.”

The younger Marine turned around, slowly. Those three words were more heartfelt than anything else he had heard from Snafu in weeks. It was almost funny.

“Yeah, fuck you too, Shelton”, he said without any real heat in his voice, thinking it’d be over with that.

But of course Snafu didn’t stop there, but let loose one of his endless tirades about him being tired of sitting in his own shit, the maggots, the lack of help, instead they got shelled them with their own artillery.

And as louder as Shelton got and the more Sledge interjected as he began to lose it too, telling him to shut up, until they were just screaming at each other in full volume, the more Peck’s fragile mental state was crumbling, until he snapped completely. As the fourth and last person of their company. Causing the death of that blond haired kid, who’s future had looked so bright in Eugene’s imagination.

***

It didn’t matter, Eugene had told him when they saw the hole in the roof, caused by a bomb. Could have been them who shelled this hut, this family, who killed the parents of the defenseless child, lying crying on the ground between them. What the hell did it matter?

Snafu made it out of the hut, for a second he thought he wouldn’t. He felt like dying, now more than ever. He thought about staying in the hut, asking Sledge to give him the coup de grâce. Maybe he would have done it. Shelton recognized so little in the other man of what he once thought defined Sledge. All of the compassion, idealism and kindness had withered from Pavuvu to Peleliu and was finally washed away by the Okinawan rain.

Images from the night before came to his mind, Eugene reaching out for Peck, bullets speeding through the air, hitting the rocks around them. His hand clenched in Eugene’s raincoat, as he pulled him aside, pulling him into safety, pinning him to the ground, being close to him again, until the gunshots stopped and Hamm’s dead body fell to the ground, his blank eyes staring back at them.

Peck, that stupid fucking asshole got one of them killed. Snafu had hated him since the beginning. And still, it had been him who had comforted Peck and Eugene who had flung himself against him, ready to rip him apart. And after Peck was taken away he didn’t say a word. Didn’t pray for Hamm, like he used to for other fallen comrades.

Snafu knew he couldn’t live like this, if Sledge’s humanity died, so would he.

The cigarette in his hand burned slowly down between his fingers, as he stared mindlessly ahead of him. The area was cleared, they could rest now. As if any of them could get a rest after all those weeks in agony.

He only gained some of his consciousness back, when Eugene came out of the hut. He didn’t know what he had done in there, maybe he didn’t want to know. Eugene wouldn’t tell him either way, but he would always wait for him and he followed after him as Eugene told him to move on, as he always did, ever since Eugene saved his sorry ass on that airfield.

He saw the kid emerge from the bunker the same moment Eugene did, saw him raise his rifle. A lump formed in his throat. He could forgive Sledge anything. He could forgive him that he slowly lost himself and wasn’t fighting it. After all he blamed Eugene’s spiraling on himself. Had he just approached him differently that night. Not last night, but the one after Leyden got hit. Had he just embraced him, held him in his arms, relishing in his touch, like he always wanted to. Instead of turning it into this meaningless something. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like he had been hollowed out, maybe then Hamm would still be alive, Peck wouldn’t have snapped.

He could forgive Eugene everything, because he felt like he was the one to blame for the breaking of their bond and everything that came after that. The losing of morals. But he could never forgive him if he shot that unarmed child.

Before he could attempt to do anything a gunshot echoed through the hills, the boy sank dead to the ground, the wall behind him plastered with his blood.

Shelton stared at the dead kid, as Eugene snapped once again, at the man who fired his rifle at the boy. He couldn’t hear what they said, his ears were whistling from the sound of the gunshot, but also with the tension which ran through his body. He had seen how Eugene had lowered his rifle, before the bullet had hit the boy. He wouldn’t have shot him and Shelton would be forever grateful for that fact.

***

Snafu had worried at his lip until it bled and then he had simply continued. He didn’t mind the irony taste. At least it was different from the taste of sulfur and mud which were usually lying on his tongue. The slight pain offered him a distraction.

“Shelton?”

Eugene asked with a low voice. They were alone, the two of them all that was left of their squad. He didn’t have the mind to answer him, too much went through it. After Eugene had snapped at the other Marine, the asshole who shot the boy, he had sunken down on the ground, clutching at his helmet. Snafu had stood beside him, unable to offer him any kind of compassion, hating himself for it.

He thought about what would happen if one of them snapped, like Peck did. With all of the shit that was happening. Their own comrades acting all gruesome. He remembered all the times he had went crazy while being in combat. How that might have affected the other fellas. How it had affected Eugene. Himself.

He couldn’t lose himself. He wasn’t allowed to snap. He had to take care of-

“Merriell?”

Snafu’s head jerked into Eugene’s direction. No one ever called him that name. Not here. They all knew his birth name, it got read out, when they called him to collect his letters from home, the occasional packages his father sent him. But no one ever used it. It was reserved for those who knew him outside of this hell.

“Merriell, can I come over to you?”

It was now or never. When all those horrible things they said to each other didn’t make them apologize, when Hamm’s death and Peck’s break down didn’t bring them back together, it had to be Eugene’s realization, that he had been losing himself.

Who had he been the last few weeks? He had been cruel, vicious. He told himself he didn’t care about anything, anyone. But today showed him, that this had been his biggest mistake. He didn’t want to be this kind of man. He knew he would never be the same, but he could still allow himself to be human. To act like a human. Accompanying someone on their last way, getting angry at pointless killings. He could do all that and preserve something of his essence. He could approach Shelton for a second time, to make some memories with him that weren’t tainted. To be human together with him.

He could barely see him, the night too dark around them, but he shuffled closer towards Shelton until he felt his presence right next to him, still keeping a distance. He wouldn’t just embrace him, but he would be honest with him. Telling him what he wanted.

“The fuck is it?”, Snafu snarled, but that couldn’t irritate Eugene.

“Can I try again?”, he asked.

“Try what?”

“Touching you.”

Snafu almost felt the whistle return to his ears, his heart contracting. Why did it had to be this way? Why did he grow these kind of feelings for this man? And why in hell did it seem like Sledge reciprocated them?

“Please let me in, Merriell”, he sounded desperate, almost pleading. “It feels so bad to be away from you. Don’t you feel the same?”

Eugene’s voice was close to his ear now, that he once again felt his hot humanly breath stroking over his skin. He could turn his head and there would only be millimeters separating their lips.

Of course he did. Of course he felt the same. The weeks in which they had ignored each other had been terrible. The guilt he felt for hurting Eugene, belittling him, because he didn’t know how to deal with it, was eating him alive. Seeing Eugene so changed made him want to die. And now it seemed like Eugene had gained some of his compassion back, his tenderness even. That made him want to live, stay by Eugene’s side, to protect him, but also just for the sake of it. Now it was the thought of leaving him that almost made him want to cry.

“You can’t talk to me like that…”, he pressed out, startled over the sound of his voice, it was shaking.

“Why not?”, Eugene whined in his ear and he felt him shift even closer. He could sense the whole outline of his body, Eugene’s chest by his arm, heaving with every breath, irregular, as if he fought with the same sadness Snafu tried to hold in. One of his knees almost touching his own. One word from Shelton and Eugene would press himself against him. Every piece of them pressed against the other, cheek to cheek, skin to skin.

“Because-”, Snafu choked. “Because if you keep asking I won’t have the strength to contain myself…”

It was like it has always been. If Eugene asked him, he would do anything for him. Had he had asked him the first time they got intimate, to take it slow, Shelton would have done it. He would have taken it so slow with Eugene, that not even God himself could have called it sinful. Because it would have been beautiful, so tender and profound.

He had offered Eugene the only kind of intimacy he knew and he regretted it deeply. He just couldn’t have imagined, that Eugene craved his touch in such a mellow way. He didn’t knew how to fix it, how to tell him that he wanted to try again, he thought the best way was to end it. But that just made both of them feel miserable. And now Eugene wanted to feel him again, asking him permission, after all they had been through and Shelton just wanted to let it happen.

“Please allow me to touch you, Merriell.”

Eugene’s lips stroke over the shell of Snafu’s ear and with a choked sob, he turned his head to embrace those sweet lips of his fellow Marine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I struggled quite a bit with this story, it turned out a lot darker than anticipated tbh. But I didn't type all those words for nothing, so here it is. I promise, I wrote some fluff too ^^
> 
> Comments and feedback are always greatly appreciated!  
> Title is yet again a question lol and "based" on the song "Beneath the Flowers (and the Clovers)" by Strange Passage. It's great, check it out :^)


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